Brokenness is not a topic many like to talk about, but what if it was that the brokenness helped to make something beautiful?
I am not a stranger to brokenness, I don't think many people are. There are countless times in my life when I felt brokenness and no hope to help heal that brokenness. Like all the times in my childhood waiting and longing to be loved by a mother and to be close, only to be pushed away. I come from a broken marriage, see there is that word again, "Broken". My Father and Mother split up when I was very little, both parents re-married and I lived with my father. I so longed to have a relationship with a mom, what little girls doesn't? My mother was far away and I didn't get to see her very often due to different obstacles, that later in my adulthood I have found out were not the entire truth. So I tried very hard to find a way to get that from my stepmom, who I always called mom. So my mother is my biological mom, and my mom is my stepmom, so you can keep up. I digress.
I longed in every way growing up to have a mother daughter relationship with my mom, however it was not to be. "Brokenness" I longed to have some sort of relationship with my mother, but that was not meant to be. "Brokenness". I remember one day as a young teenager new in my beliefs, I was sitting in the yard enjoying the sun when I felt God whisper to me. I was not sure what was happening as it was my first time hearing him speak to me. It was a soft whisper and it said, lean on me for acceptance, lean on me for unconditional love. That day I decided to stop pining over trying to get noticed, instead I was going to look to God to fill that void I felt was there. A few years went by and as I prayed for my mom, she became more "available" to me. After I was married at the age of 20 I became very close to her, like I had always wanted, a mother daughter relationship. I would call her and talk everyday. It had taken 17 years to get there, but it had come, thanks only to God."Beautiful" As well my relationship with my biological mother has become better. Just 8 years ago I was "reunited" and have been growing a relationship with her. "Beautiful"
I have learned through many trials that God bring Beauty out of our pain, out of the ashes.
2008
My husband and I had been trying to get pregnant for 4 years already, at this point we knew the diagnosis that we would not be able to. The only thing I ever wanted in life was to be a mother, it was the deepest desire of my heart, and here I had doctor's saying it was not going to be possible. "Brokenness"
As I sat in my bedroom praying and crying out to God to have a child one Sunday morning that I chose to not attend church that morning with my husband. I wept and cried uncontrollably, "why God?, Why would you punish me like this?" Then as I was wailing at God, a song came on the radio, By His Wounds by Steven Curtis Capman. It is a song based on the verse in the Bible found in Isaiah 53.5. “He was pierced for our transgressions, He was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was on Him, and by His wounds we are healed” I started singing along with the words. As I did it seemed God whispered to me, “I hear you, I took what was perfect, My Son, and made Him broken so that you could be whole. And because you belong to Him, your brokenness can bring healing to others too, and your time will come that you will become a mother in my perfect time, for I have plans for your future."
A year and new hometown later, My husband and I got a phone call about a woman that wanted us to adopt her unborn child. Us?! How did she even know? I don't know that she knew and maybe she did know our story, as she knew my father, but the fact that of all the people she could have asked, and she chose us. We had not gone after it or even tried pursuing this direction as of yet, although we had talked about it, but hadn't pursued it yet. WOW I can't believe the miracles God performs every day, I mean I can, I am just in awe. About 6 months after that phone call, our son Tyler was born. "Beautiful" God had once again like so many numerous times had taken what was broken and turned it into something beautiful.
I have so many other countless stories that I could go on and on about but I will spare you.
My life like so many other's has had a lot of bumps in the road, but something I had learned, that I even forget from time to time, is how magnificent of a God I have. He loves me, He loves me so much to let me hurt a little or a lot, so that He can show me that He loves me, He can show me that all of my trust should unfailingly be on him. He wants that. He desires that.
God has used my brokenness in ways I never expected. It’s become part of who I am, a surprisingly beautiful part. Like a piece of art, God has sculpted my heart together again. He will do the same for yours.
I hope this brings some sort of peace to anyone in a struggle right now. My sister or brother in Christ, God is sitting there waiting for your full surrender to Him so that He can bring the beauty out of your brokenness.
I am not a stranger to brokenness, I don't think many people are. There are countless times in my life when I felt brokenness and no hope to help heal that brokenness. Like all the times in my childhood waiting and longing to be loved by a mother and to be close, only to be pushed away. I come from a broken marriage, see there is that word again, "Broken". My Father and Mother split up when I was very little, both parents re-married and I lived with my father. I so longed to have a relationship with a mom, what little girls doesn't? My mother was far away and I didn't get to see her very often due to different obstacles, that later in my adulthood I have found out were not the entire truth. So I tried very hard to find a way to get that from my stepmom, who I always called mom. So my mother is my biological mom, and my mom is my stepmom, so you can keep up. I digress.
I longed in every way growing up to have a mother daughter relationship with my mom, however it was not to be. "Brokenness" I longed to have some sort of relationship with my mother, but that was not meant to be. "Brokenness". I remember one day as a young teenager new in my beliefs, I was sitting in the yard enjoying the sun when I felt God whisper to me. I was not sure what was happening as it was my first time hearing him speak to me. It was a soft whisper and it said, lean on me for acceptance, lean on me for unconditional love. That day I decided to stop pining over trying to get noticed, instead I was going to look to God to fill that void I felt was there. A few years went by and as I prayed for my mom, she became more "available" to me. After I was married at the age of 20 I became very close to her, like I had always wanted, a mother daughter relationship. I would call her and talk everyday. It had taken 17 years to get there, but it had come, thanks only to God."Beautiful" As well my relationship with my biological mother has become better. Just 8 years ago I was "reunited" and have been growing a relationship with her. "Beautiful"
I have learned through many trials that God bring Beauty out of our pain, out of the ashes.
2008
My husband and I had been trying to get pregnant for 4 years already, at this point we knew the diagnosis that we would not be able to. The only thing I ever wanted in life was to be a mother, it was the deepest desire of my heart, and here I had doctor's saying it was not going to be possible. "Brokenness"
As I sat in my bedroom praying and crying out to God to have a child one Sunday morning that I chose to not attend church that morning with my husband. I wept and cried uncontrollably, "why God?, Why would you punish me like this?" Then as I was wailing at God, a song came on the radio, By His Wounds by Steven Curtis Capman. It is a song based on the verse in the Bible found in Isaiah 53.5. “He was pierced for our transgressions, He was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was on Him, and by His wounds we are healed” I started singing along with the words. As I did it seemed God whispered to me, “I hear you, I took what was perfect, My Son, and made Him broken so that you could be whole. And because you belong to Him, your brokenness can bring healing to others too, and your time will come that you will become a mother in my perfect time, for I have plans for your future."
A year and new hometown later, My husband and I got a phone call about a woman that wanted us to adopt her unborn child. Us?! How did she even know? I don't know that she knew and maybe she did know our story, as she knew my father, but the fact that of all the people she could have asked, and she chose us. We had not gone after it or even tried pursuing this direction as of yet, although we had talked about it, but hadn't pursued it yet. WOW I can't believe the miracles God performs every day, I mean I can, I am just in awe. About 6 months after that phone call, our son Tyler was born. "Beautiful" God had once again like so many numerous times had taken what was broken and turned it into something beautiful.
I have so many other countless stories that I could go on and on about but I will spare you.
My life like so many other's has had a lot of bumps in the road, but something I had learned, that I even forget from time to time, is how magnificent of a God I have. He loves me, He loves me so much to let me hurt a little or a lot, so that He can show me that He loves me, He can show me that all of my trust should unfailingly be on him. He wants that. He desires that.
God has used my brokenness in ways I never expected. It’s become part of who I am, a surprisingly beautiful part. Like a piece of art, God has sculpted my heart together again. He will do the same for yours.
I hope this brings some sort of peace to anyone in a struggle right now. My sister or brother in Christ, God is sitting there waiting for your full surrender to Him so that He can bring the beauty out of your brokenness.
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