I have just come to realization that it has been over a year since I have written anything. I have thought of things to write of course, I just have not have taken the time to sit down and write. It has really been weighing on my heart the last few weeks, so I thought I would write.
I didn't know what I wanted to write, but then I came to the decision to write about my journey this past year. My last post was about not having any news on adopting a child since we had started the process a year before that. Well these past 12 months have been a whirlwind. I was in a spot at this time last year that our family would not grow, that maybe it wasn't meant to be. God took me on this journey of faith, asking me if I would have faith that He could move a mountain. It was something I had to really think about. Yes I am a Christian, but no, that does not make me perfect in any means and yes, I struggle with things like having faith. I feel that sometimes people look at Christians like we are these perfect people or we think we are. But truth is we are like everyone else, we have all the same struggles as anyone and we definitely have times that our faith is shaken. I went through this this this past year, I have been through it before and I know I will be through it again. It's my human nature.
I was definitely in a place that I struggled to trust that I was worthy of anything like having another child. That maybe I was being punished for something I had done. Truth is our God will never punish us, he just asks that we come to Him and ask for forgiveness, and that He will forgive us.
This time last year I also watched a friend go through something so hard, and it pained me so much to watch someone that I love dearly to be put through the things that she did. For protection, I am not going to expose what that was or who, as it is not my place to do so. But I can tell you that her going through this challenge was so hard for me to watch. Her pain became my pain, and it was hard somedays to see if there was ever going to be light again and if her heart would be healed. She is such an amazing person with a huge heart and I could not wrap my mind around what had happened. Even though I felt pain for her, I made her a promise that even though she didn't feel strong enough to fight this battle, that I would help her in this fight in prayer. I stood by her on this journey, I prayed fervently for her and her family daily asking for God's light to shine through this darkness and to reveal the truth. I am very happy to say that the other day, almost a full year later she got some amazing news and God's light is shining on her and God is blessing her with His truth. It is definitely amazing to see that prayer really does work.
I had coffee with a friend recently and she doesn't know it, but she spoke directly to my spirit. She stated that she goes through her day expecting little blessings. I thought about this. She backed it up with the fact God wants to give us daily blessings, because we are His children. This is so true. One verse spoke straight to me, it says, "Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart" Psalm 37:4 God wants to give me the desires of my heart? That is amazing! That verse alone demonstrates a small portion of God's love for us. He loves us so much that He wants to bless us and give us our desires. That is so powerful. So why shouldn't we expect His blessings?
About 9 months ago God blessed our family with a little boy. He was 19 months old when he came home to us. We had definitely not expected a boy, as we were wanting and waiting for a girl. But God has his plans right? I could have easily said no I want a girl, but I listened and both my husband and I felt like this was the child that was to be with us. Yes I did have a hard time accepting this at times and it was rough shortly after he came home to us. As he is very much a boys boy and loves my husband. But at the same time he was pushing me away and it is so hard to go through that as a parent that is trying to love on a child, it is definitely a form of rejection and it hurts so bad. It was hard for me to try and create a bond with this child, while I felt like I was being rejected by him at the same time. Even though I know he's only a little toddler, having him push me away was painful. But I stuck in there. Sure, it would have been easy to just give him back and say it's just not working, but I know that that was not what God wanted. I can say that it is not the same anymore and I definitely have a bond with him and I know he is happy here and he shows his love to both my husband and I. I could not be more in love with this little 2 year old. Of course some days he just prefers my husband over anyone, and I am working on not getting offended. But I can say that God is so faithful and has grown our family. I still want my girl, but I am absolutely happy with my two boys as well.
I didn't know what I wanted to write, but then I came to the decision to write about my journey this past year. My last post was about not having any news on adopting a child since we had started the process a year before that. Well these past 12 months have been a whirlwind. I was in a spot at this time last year that our family would not grow, that maybe it wasn't meant to be. God took me on this journey of faith, asking me if I would have faith that He could move a mountain. It was something I had to really think about. Yes I am a Christian, but no, that does not make me perfect in any means and yes, I struggle with things like having faith. I feel that sometimes people look at Christians like we are these perfect people or we think we are. But truth is we are like everyone else, we have all the same struggles as anyone and we definitely have times that our faith is shaken. I went through this this this past year, I have been through it before and I know I will be through it again. It's my human nature.
I was definitely in a place that I struggled to trust that I was worthy of anything like having another child. That maybe I was being punished for something I had done. Truth is our God will never punish us, he just asks that we come to Him and ask for forgiveness, and that He will forgive us.
This time last year I also watched a friend go through something so hard, and it pained me so much to watch someone that I love dearly to be put through the things that she did. For protection, I am not going to expose what that was or who, as it is not my place to do so. But I can tell you that her going through this challenge was so hard for me to watch. Her pain became my pain, and it was hard somedays to see if there was ever going to be light again and if her heart would be healed. She is such an amazing person with a huge heart and I could not wrap my mind around what had happened. Even though I felt pain for her, I made her a promise that even though she didn't feel strong enough to fight this battle, that I would help her in this fight in prayer. I stood by her on this journey, I prayed fervently for her and her family daily asking for God's light to shine through this darkness and to reveal the truth. I am very happy to say that the other day, almost a full year later she got some amazing news and God's light is shining on her and God is blessing her with His truth. It is definitely amazing to see that prayer really does work.
I had coffee with a friend recently and she doesn't know it, but she spoke directly to my spirit. She stated that she goes through her day expecting little blessings. I thought about this. She backed it up with the fact God wants to give us daily blessings, because we are His children. This is so true. One verse spoke straight to me, it says, "Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart" Psalm 37:4 God wants to give me the desires of my heart? That is amazing! That verse alone demonstrates a small portion of God's love for us. He loves us so much that He wants to bless us and give us our desires. That is so powerful. So why shouldn't we expect His blessings?
About 9 months ago God blessed our family with a little boy. He was 19 months old when he came home to us. We had definitely not expected a boy, as we were wanting and waiting for a girl. But God has his plans right? I could have easily said no I want a girl, but I listened and both my husband and I felt like this was the child that was to be with us. Yes I did have a hard time accepting this at times and it was rough shortly after he came home to us. As he is very much a boys boy and loves my husband. But at the same time he was pushing me away and it is so hard to go through that as a parent that is trying to love on a child, it is definitely a form of rejection and it hurts so bad. It was hard for me to try and create a bond with this child, while I felt like I was being rejected by him at the same time. Even though I know he's only a little toddler, having him push me away was painful. But I stuck in there. Sure, it would have been easy to just give him back and say it's just not working, but I know that that was not what God wanted. I can say that it is not the same anymore and I definitely have a bond with him and I know he is happy here and he shows his love to both my husband and I. I could not be more in love with this little 2 year old. Of course some days he just prefers my husband over anyone, and I am working on not getting offended. But I can say that God is so faithful and has grown our family. I still want my girl, but I am absolutely happy with my two boys as well.
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