No, I have no news on baby!

About a year ago, my husband and I ventured out on a journey to adopt another child. Hoping for a baby girl to complete our family. We can't afford another full blown private adoption with an agency, so we decided to go with the county and do a fos-adopt program.... and it has been brutal.


We first started out doing an orientation and then 8 weeks of classes where we had to watch horrific videos of children being mishandled, I mean, think of the worst things you can and that's what we watched. For 8 weeks we came home from those classes, sad and depressed. But to no avail we finished our classes and had a home study done and became licensed foster parents. Now since our goal is adoption that was just one step. We were assigned an adoption worker and were told that it would be 4-6 months to a placement. This was in May 2015. We are now in February 2016 and are feeling a little deflated. Although we were called about a child in December (thanks to our foster worker, not adoption worker) and we chose to move forward with this child, but then we never heard back from her. I mean never....we have even called out adoption worker and left messages, which she does not return. Needless to say we are irritated. How can these people have the right to play with our emotions this way.It's not fair.

Meanwhile, all this is going on and on a weekly basis I am asked if we are getting a baby soon? Or if we have a baby. I am sorry, but I think the world would know if I had been given a baby! This is the depressing part.

I've been ready for another baby (we adopted our first child, a boy, in 2009) since my son was 2. Every month I secretly wish that I would miraculously get pregnant. It's been 11 years since we first started trying and 4 since my son was 2. But it's ok, I try to be content. I love my little family of 3. Do not get me wrong I am human and I get defeated every once in a while. I won’t allow myself to get to that place I was before we got Tyler, where I envied every girl that got pregnant and had bad feelings towards them because I deserved it more than they did. I love my little family and would be completely satisfied if it was just the three of us for the rest of our lives. I’m ok.  So don’t think you have to send me messages of encouragement or feel guilty if you’re expecting.

Pregnancy is a very intimate and emotional thing for women and although some people can sneeze and get pregnant (my mom, my aunts, my cousins, my sisters, my best friends, etc.) there are some of us who don't get that luxury.

I was having lunch with a friend a few days ago who has one child and has been trying to get pregnant but to no avail has not been able to. She was saying some things that I feel all the time too! It made me think of all the things us women who struggle with infertility have in common. It's amazing that after you have one child, once that child is 1 or 2,  people start asking when you're going to have another. Or people just assume that you have multiples when you are our age (mid 30's). Or my very favorite is when people , who are close friends, tell you that your child needs a sibling, because they act like a single child. Um,,,... well he is a single child and um... we can't just pop out a baby like some people. It's actually very hurtful to be told that you should have more kids, because we are trying the best we can at this parenting thing and yea my child doesn't know what it's like to have a sibling. But there is nothing we can do about that. We are trying. I wish we could just get pregnant like some, or some teenage girl just offer us a baby. It is so hard to go through the adoption process. I mean if I sat down with people and asked them if they were willing to go through a series of questions basically telling every aspect of their life down to how many siblings and how close to each one you are and why you aren't close to others and their birthdates , oh and then there's being drilled about all your past romantic relationships you had umm over 15 years ago cause you've been with your spouse that long. Having your home inspected and feeling like you have nothing else in this world that can be private. I am pretty sure none of them would do that. Back to the question, when are you having more children? It might seem like a casual topic, but for women who have had miscarriages or infertility issues it’s the equivalent of saying something like, “So I heard you have cancer. That sucks….” It’s a reminder of the lack of control we have over our lives and that the things we so desperately want are so far out of our reach that somedays it’s a miracle we get up in the morning. But by the grace of God we are able to continue going.

Let me try to explain the heart of a woman who wants a baby but does not have one and is struggling to or does not have the ability to make one :

She walks around with a weight in her heart. A weight that no one (except other women going through the exact same thing) can understand. Not even her husband, as kind, loving and understanding as he might be, this is a struggle that she mostly carries alone. It’s there always, every day, no matter what. Even when she’s happy, it’s there.

It's exhausting! Her friends will get pregnant and even though she is so happy and ecstatic for them, she feels devastated and fights off thoughts of being envy every single day. Because she knows that it is not right to be envy of another person. The Bible tells us this. She will see her friends and watch as their stomach grows because the baby is growing and she might have conflicting thoughts and won't know how to act around them because she doesn't want them to know she is envious of them. Not because she’s mad at them for being pregnant but because she hates herself for being jealous of someone she loves so much.

She prays desperately everyday for God to give her the one thing her heart most desires and struggles to understand his faithfulness, his goodness and his plans.

Pray for her. Love her. Allow her to feel her pain and please don’t say things like, “God has plan.” or “You can just adopt! (because it's not that easy)” or “You can take my kids anytime you want!” Don’t make light of her struggle because it’s closer to her heart than any other thing in her life and those kind of comments just make it worse, no matter how innocent they may be.

So please pray that we can continue on this journey of adding another child to our family as that is where our hearts are, and that is what we fill God is calling us to do. We have no idea if we will stay with the county or choose to go through an agency, but we have faith that it will happen!

I read a quote somewhere recently that said "Your life is not defined by your circumstances. It’s defined by who you are and who you choose to be." I believe this 100%.